Friday, 18 January 2008

Windows in your heart - songs of sadness

Straight Up and Slightly Dirty mentioned in her blog yesterday about a new meme started by Hedgewizard. I would like to say I avoid meme's like the plague but of course I don't. I love spilling beans about myself as much as the next person! This meme is a particularly good one though and perhaps opens up the soul a little more than the average meme and, as my birthday is approaching, I seem to be in the mood to let my heart have a say in my blog.

Hedgewizard's meme is this: Songs that make you cry...and why

If you like the idea, then please take it as a meme and post the button below into a blog entry of your own along with a story, or at least a mention of that one song that always makes you cry.


I play most of my music in the car and that's why this particular song is dangerous to listen to when I'm driving but if I'm in the right frame of mind, and in the right place, I'll pull over and just listen.

A few years after Himself and I got together, we were in a mess. Actually that's not true, Himself was fine, I was in a mess. I loved this man more than anything. I knew he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But he was in his late 30s, had had plenty of relationships but nothing ever serious and he never settled down with anyone. He was fly by night, take it as it comes and move on just as easily. He was independent and the thought of "two becoming one" was an anaethema to him. Yet he had asked me to move in with him so maybe I was the one.

But I was insanely jealous of any woman from his past, imagined present and imagined future. Like most men, he wasn't averse to the flattery of female attention. He wasn't a flirt but if anyone started to flirt with him, he'd lap it up.

He'd told me several times that he didn't love me. Can you imagine what I went through? I was tearing myself apart at the seams. Friends who knew him well just said that was ridiculous and of course he did, it was blindingly obvious to them, he just wouldn't, or couldn't, admit it to himself.

Eventually I had to sort myself out because if I didn't I would end up having a nervous breakdown and destroying everything and I was not prepared to let that happen. Then I heard this song and I used to wish he'd just listen to the lyrics and understand that he just had to open up a chink. It really would be OK.

That song is called "Honest" by Kendall Payne.

The sad thing about this is that I did get myself under control but in order to do that I had to build a wall around me and stop feeling. Sometimes I want to look behind the wall and see if those feelings are still there. But I'm not brave enough yet so we muddle on, rubbing along just fine but with no real emotion or passion. I sometimes wonder if there should be more than that but I think it suits me this way for now.

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