Friday, 31 October 2008
I am finally getting around to sorting out my holiday photographs. Damn, but it seems like a lifetime ago already!
This is the first set that I am going to bore you rigid with over the next few days!
This is a sequence with the Lurchers playing on the beach. It was a grey and miserable day so I apologise for the pretty poor quality of the photographs!
The fantastic thing, or one of the fantastic things, about the cottage we stayed in was that it had an enormous dog-proof garden that meant the Greyhound got to really stretch his legs. One afternoon he took off for the sheer joy of it and I just managed to capture this one!
Thursday, 30 October 2008
At least now we know and we also know that her death was instantaneous.
A lot of people have put their lives on hold this last week to help find her and every single one of them is a hero.
Please hug your hounds tonight and be thankful they are safe.
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
Now that The Greyhound has found his forever sofa with me and The Lurchers, I decided that some dog-training classes might be in order. Not so much because he needs the training but more because I want to socialise him with other dogs, in a different environment, and try to get through to him that he doesn't need to lunge at other dogs. Not that he does this all the time, it depends on his mood, and the other dog – and even that can change from day to day. I also believe that the lunging is through fear of the unknown rather than out and out aggression. He's too big a softie for it to be aggression.
So along we toddled last night. Dog training has changed a lot since I last did it with Lurcher No.1 seven years ago. It's all very politically correct now. Don't get me wrong, I have always believed in positive reinforcement as a means of training and this is what we did with Lurcher No.1 – I want my dogs to do what I ask of them because they want to do it, not because of the fear of reprisal if they don't. That said, there have been times when a stern tone of voice has been necessary – particularly if what they are doing, or about to do, might put them in harm's way. SIghthounds, in particular, have a tendency to turn a very deaf ear when it suits them. But stern tones of voice are not allowed here.
These classes are all based on treat-training. Not something I've ever done before because the Lurchers have always responded better to praise and an ear scratch rather than treats. Both of them will eye up a treat as if it's poison, they may deign to take it out of my hand but will then promptly drop it and thoroughly investigate it again before eating it. Or, as is more usually the case, not eating it. Last night was all about conditioning the dogs to respond to a treat and getting them to associate it with a "bridge" word. In this case, that word is "good". If they did what was asked, they were told "good" and given a treat, although not from the hand. The treat had to be thrown to the floor so that they do not start to think that any food in your hand is theirs.
So we practised that for a bit and after 40 minutes took the dogs out for a pee break and came in again and moved on to "cue" words. Take "sit" for example. By holding treat in your hand and moving your hand slightly over their head, you can encourage a dog to sit. Once they twig that sitting gets them the treat, you start asking them to sit, "sit" being the cue word, then, if they do sit, giving them the "bridge" word, "good", followed by a treat.
And herein lies the rub. You see, sighthounds, and greyhounds in particular, do not generally do sit. Not because they don't want to but their body shape makes sitting particularly difficult and uncomfortable for them. We did try but The Greyhound was having none of it. Furthermore, by this point, he was exhausted. Not only did this very food-motivated dog lose all interest in the fresh ham that I had in my hand but he decided enough was enough and he was going to lay down for a snooze. Much to the hilarity of the rest of the class. To be fair to the trainers, they were brilliant. They understand that Greyhounds have their limitations and we were allowed to skip cue words and let The Greyhound have a rest.
And do you know what the little bugger did at the end of the class? Completely of his own accord? He sat.
But anyway, aside from wondering if I'd wandered into the canine equivalent of an "out of the box" corporate training course, it was good. The Greyhound behaved himself impeccably and did the best that he could. Which is all I can ask of him. I'm looking forward to next week and seeing what that brings. In the meantime, we have rather a lot of homework to do.......
Monday, 27 October 2008
Sunday, 26 October 2008
Saturday, 25 October 2008
The Lurchers and The Greyhound have enjoyed a wonderful week of runnng on beaches and frolicking in the waves. They are now completely crashed out.
It's been a brilliant week and my heartfelt thanks to Nettie and Charlie and their Lurchers for making it such a good and relaxing holiday.
The only problem? It went too damn quickly and I'm already ready for the next one!
Friday, 24 October 2008
2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry and get slapped on our arse ...then things just get worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Monotony means being married to the same person for all your life.
Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face...
How important are elections to a democratic society?
Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
What is a turbine?
Something an arab wears on his head
What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?
Who was it that didn't like the return of the prodigal son?
The fatted calf
What's a Hindu?
It lays eggs
Name the four seasons
Salt, mustard, pepper, vinegar
What changes happen to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
They'll insist you're well endowed if you're buying a house
What is a co-operative?
It's a kind of shop that is not as dear as places like Marks and Spencer
What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been involved in
a car accident and is immobile?
Rape them in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea
What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The Kiss of Death
What are steroids?
Things for keeping the carpet on the stairs
What is a common treatment for a badly bleeding nose?
"Red, pink, orange and flamingo are the colours of the rectum."
I've said goodbye to my boyhood, now I'm looking forward to my
"I always know when its time to get up when I hear my mother sharpening
"Christians go on pilgrimage to Lord's."
"A sexually transmitted disease is gonorrhoea, the penis becomes
"A major disease associated with smoking is premature death."
"The equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth through
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead
of the bull."
"Cows produce large amounts of methane, so the problem could be solved
by fitting them with catalytic convertors."
"The process of flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists."
" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader"
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs,
and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five
-a, e, I, o and u."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above
the hand instead.
Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
the outsides have been taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars,and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it
BENIGN...What you will be after you be eight
CAESAREAN SECTION...A district in Rome
COMA...A punctuation mark - a bit like a full stop
SEMI-COLON...Partial removal of the intestines
VACUUM...Large empty space where the pope lives
ENEMA...Someone who is not your friend
MAGNET...Something you find crawling on a dead cat
FIBULA...A small lie
MORBID...When there is a bigger offer
GERMINATION...The process of becoming a German
NODE...When you have known somebody for a long time
SEIZURE...A Roman Emperor
FERTILISATION...The fusing of the male with the female garments
TERMINAL ILLNESS...When you are ill at the airport
TIBIA...A country in North Africa
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose with his dying breath.
'Jose... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
'Jose... ees not a bacon tree...
Eees a Ham Bush.
Monday, 20 October 2008
"I would like you to take your camera (or your artistic talents!) on a day tour with you. I want to know where you go, what you get up to on a “normal” day (disclaimer - it doesn’t have to be “normal”!). All the details you would consider boring! You are free to make your FM posts as long or as short as you’d like"
OK, I'm afraid I picked a very routine and mundane day to do this.
I get up in the morning and this is the first thing I do....make some tea.
Then I shower - that is just water splashes on the shower door by the way!
Then I walk the hounds
Then I feed the chickens..........
.........and check for eggs
Then I get on my trusty steed....
....and cycle to work.
This is my office
This is my desk with work in progress!
The view from my window
Then I get on my bike again and cycle home for lunch
I'm greeted by this
then I go back to work.
Then I walk the hounds again
Welcome to my mundane day!! I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone elses day when I return from holiday, so please forgive me for not commenting on your posts today.
Sunday, 19 October 2008
Saturday, 18 October 2008
Whether you will get updates this week will depend on whether or not I can get internet access where I'm going. I have a series of posts scheduled to appear just in case!
*Aoj jumps up and down in she's SO excited*
Friday, 17 October 2008
I had to take Lurcher No.2 to the vet last night to have his annual vaccinations. I don't usually like to leave the hounds of an evening when I've been at work all day (although I do come home at lunchtime) but I booked a late appointment and the hounds had a nice long walk, some chill out time and dinner before Lurcher No.2 and I had to leave.
All three are used to being left at home, either all three or a combination of any two of them. None of them are chewers but Greyhound No.1 will have a go at paper things if they are left lying around and he's in the mood - I think it's happened about three times since he's been with us. So off I went with nary a thought....
An hour later I got home. I wandered into the bedroom and started clearing up - the one thing Greyhound No.1 does do is unmake the bed so there are usually pillows and my jimjams all over the place.
Then you know when you suddenly stop because your brain registers that there is something there that shouldn't be there?
And you know that feeling after a split second when your brain registers what that something is? And your stomach sinks to your boots?
Strewn around my bedroom were bank notes. £500 worth of bank notes to be exact. Greyhound No.1 had found the roll of banknotes from last Saturday's fundraiser which was waiting for me to bank. How he found it when it was hidden away I will never know but find it he did.
I nearly passed out on the spot.
Fortunately he hasn't eaten any and it's all still there. Most of it is intact and what isn't, isn't in too many pieces.
Thursday, 16 October 2008
Socks are the bane of my life, and something of an obsession. I have to have comfortable, soft socks. They also have to be thick enough to wear with my boots. And I also have to have a thin pair of cotton socks to wear underneath the thick socks. Don't ask. I don't know why either. It's a habit I got into a few years ago when the then thick socks I owned rubbed my feet and it's stayed with me ever since.
The problem I've had over the last few months is that my socks have been disappearing. I don't have the usual problem of them disappearing into the unknown wastes of the washing machine never to be seen again. They come out of the washing machine just fine with the exact number of pairs that I put in there. No, my socks disappear somewhere between the wash basket and washing machine or between the washing line or airer and my sock draw. The loss of my socks has become annoying. WHERE the f**k do they go?
Once Himself left, I seemed to be reduced to any number of pairs of very worn, thin cotton socks, and my thick socks? Gone. Only two pairs remained, and they were getting very thin at the heel. I can't believe he would have taken my socks. He had about 50 trillion pairs of his own so he wouldn't have needed to take mine as well.
So Tuesday evening I spent more money than I believed could possibly be spent on new socks. Lots of nice thick wooly ones and lovely soft thin cotton ones. My sock draw is replete and my obsession sated.
I suppose there are worse things in life to be obsessive about.
AND PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO SIGN UP FOR FUN MONDAY WITH MY BLOG BUDDY SARAH!
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
The good news is everything is fine.
As it's been six years since my first operation and five and a half years since the second, I had hoped he would finally discharge me today. I have exactly the same tests carried out at the Royal Marsden Cancer hospital, who did the last part of my treatment, and it seems a bit silly for me to still be seeing both of them after being clear for all this time.
But no. Because Thyroid cancer is still a very rare cancer, the medical world appears to be focusing its attention on it and they are going to continue to monitor patients for as long as they think necessary. They feel that the more information they can gather, the better they can treat patients in the future. Because of this, I will also start having annual ultrasound scans from next year.
It costs me one afternoon for blood tests, another for the scan, and another for the appointment. Once a year. If it can help anyone who gets this form of cancer in the future, I think it's a very small price for me to pay.
Monday, 13 October 2008
This week's assignment, should you be more organised than I, is being hosted by iPost over at Nine Acres, and it's all about doodling!
So my excuse this week? Well, a doodle is not something you can just throw together. Doodling is an art form and you have to do it without thinking about it. It comes from your sub-conscious. Which is why I can't throw together a post now. Last week at work was completely mental. I had Board papers to get out and it most of the papers I needed were going back and forth for final corrections and well, you know how it can get. So time on the telephone, when I would usually doodle, was spent doing that more manic thing.....twisting a pen round and round my fingers.
So I apologise to iPost and I am going to try to do this anyway and post it later in the week.
Sunday, 12 October 2008
Unfortunately I don't have a single functioning brain cell left in my head.
It was a hell of a weekend!
Saturday, 11 October 2008
Friday, 10 October 2008
Thursday, 9 October 2008
lurchers small regular meals day - every day is a small regular meals day in our house
useless information about cows - oh yeah, there's a lot of that around here, but it's usually more bull than cow
how long does a lurcher live - I wish they lived forever
l love my lurcher - Oh me too!
how to order a pampered chef deviled egg holder - OK, I don't but I know someone who does!
done deal whippets - it's always a done deal with Whippets. You have no say in the matter.
james rollins "black order" free download - Hey, nothing's for free around here.
King Charles Spaniel "number of teeth" - Umm..OK, same as every other dog I expect.
poems for skiving of work - How does a poem help you skive off work?
duck "morning george" farmer court - old joke. Very old joke.
Formicophilia photographs - Oh no, not that old chestnut. One last time folks......WE DON'T DO THAT HERE, OK?
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
Here are some genuine examples of imperfect, but amusing, English found around the world.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco :
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo :
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
On a poster in New York :
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Indian maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel room notice, Thailand :
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
Hotel brochure, Italy :
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Romania :
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Taken from a menu, Poland :
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
Supermarket, Hong Kong :
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna :
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency, former Czechoslovakia :
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong :
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
We're talking periods and sanitary products here so, men, unless you are REALLY, and I mean REALLY in touch with your feminine side, you may want to click away now. Ditto any women who don't want/need/care to read about them.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!
I'm not quite sure what planet I've been living on for the last few years but until I read an article in a magazine on Sunday, I had never heard of a mooncup. As far as I was concerned you had three basic options for dealing with mentural flow: tampons, pads, or nothing (apparently that's how some people deal with them). Apparently not so, there are also mooncups. I can't decide if the word makes me want to gross out or think of cup cakes.
Getting that ewwww feeling yet?
Apparently they are popular with the ethically minded because of their environmental benefits. Neither do they contain bleaches, deodorisers or absorbency gels. It does not interfere with your "healthy vaginal environment", nor has it been associated with toxic shock syndrome.
I am 100% getting the benefits of using one of these. What I'm not entirely comfortable with is the practicalities of using one. £20 is a lot to spend to just try something out but I am tempted. Most of the testaments I've read are positive but does anyone out there in blogland use one? I'd be interested in your thoughts and feedback.
Monday, 6 October 2008
Unfortunately, this week's assignment calls for creativity and the writing of a short story. Not something I have ever been good at, hence the no-show from me this week.
I love Fun Monday and it's great that it is spreading around the Blogosphere. So many people participate from all around the globe and from all walks of life. Which is why I yearn for the return of the meme/show and tell type of Fun Monday assignment, which is what it started out as of course. It gives us all such a window into the lives of so many different people.
But I guess there are only so many things we can meme/show and tell and so many have already been done. But there must be some more ideas out there!
**Having just re-read this post, I want to make clear that this is not a dig or a criticism at anyone. The diversity of Fun Monday is what keeps it going and I know a lot of people in my Blog circle are extremely creative and talented and just love things like this. I'm just saying.....
Sunday, 5 October 2008
Watch for these consolidations in later this year:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker. (you need to think about that one!)
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP. (snorting with laughter at that one!)
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang (mwhahahahaa!)
10. Mother's Jams & Jellies and Smucker's Jams & Jellies will unite to be: Mother Smucker's
Saturday, 4 October 2008
People who deliberately lie to you for the sake of £5.
People who want to help themselves and think "how useful" when it's free, but walk away in disgust at the thought of having to pay £1. Hey people, we're a charity here!
Other than that, my day goes well. How's yours!?
Friday, 3 October 2008
Did I buy the TV? Oh of course I did. Long-standing readers will know that rarely do I seriously contemplate buying something and then not buy it! What actually decided me was waking up with the lurgy on Wednesday morning. Knowing I'd probably be spending the best part of my two days off curled up in bed was the best incentive. I do agree that, most of the time, the bedroom should be for only two things but given that I live on my own now, I'll be doing a lot of one and there isn't a snowball's chance in hell of me doing much of the other for while. I'll leave you to work out which is which!
Thursday, 2 October 2008
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WI TNESS: Are you shittin' me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid.
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.